The Best of All Possible Classrooms
A Very Short Screenplay
by Jeffrey Cochrane
Inspired by “Why I Stopped Writing On My Students’ Papers” by Michael Millner, Chronicle of Higher Education, February 12, 2018.
FADE IN
A DORM ROOM — NIGHT
STUDENT 1 (18), sits at a desk, dimly lit by a single lamp. We see only the back of her/his head. Spread on the desk is a typed manuscript, with a handwritten “C” in red in the top left corner. Student 1 slowly lifts a hand, holding a cell phone, and places a call.
[Apart from Student 1, all the voices we now hear are on the telephone. We do not see these other characters.]
OPERATOR: Welcome to Essay Consultations, your key to literary success. Here is your professor —
DR PANGLOSS (completes his own introduction): — Dr. Pangloss.
OPERATOR: Your professor will now begin the consultation.
DR PANGLOSS: Please tell me how you selected this topic.
OPERATOR: Please respond to your professor. You may say —
VOICE 1: I thought about what the guys at the gym might say.
OPERATOR: Or—
VOICE 2: I wanted to focus on the idea of uncertainty.
OPERATOR: Or say “Something else.”
[Pause]
OPERATOR: I’m sorry, I did not understand your answer. You may say —
VOICE 1: I thought about what the guys at the gym might say.
OPERATOR: Or —
VOICE 2: I wanted to focus on the idea of uncertainty.
OPERATOR: Or say “Something else.”
STUDENT 1: Something else.
OPERATOR: I think you said “something else”. Is that correct? Say “yes” or “no”.
STUDENT 1: Yes.
OPERATOR: Okay, you want to respond with something else. Your professor will now repeat —
DR PANGLOSS: — his —
OPERATOR: — remark. Please wait for the tone, then speak slowly and clearly to provide your response. When you are finished with your response, press the pound key.
DR PANGLOSS: Please tell me how you selected this topic.
[Beep]
STUDENT 1: I … uh … shit.
[Pause]
OPERATOR: When finished with your response, please press the pound key.
[Pound key tone.]
OPERATOR: Thank you. You said —
STUDENT 1 RECORDED: I … uh … shit.
OPERATOR: Is that correct? Say “yes” or “no”.
[Pause]
OPERATOR: I’m sorry, I did not understand your answer. You may say “yes” or “no”.
STUDENT 1: Yes.
DR PANGLOSS: That’s a very interesting response. You’ve given me much to think about. Let me get back to you.
OPERATOR: Thank you for participating in Essay Consultations. Your professor will respond to you soon. Good bye!
[Click]
— — —
ANOTHER DORM ROOM — NIGHT
STUDENT 2 sits at a desk, dimly lit by a single lamp. We see only the back of his/her head. Spread on the desk is a typed manuscript, with a handwritten “C” in red in the top left corner. The student slowly lifts a hand, holding a cell phone, and places a call.
OPERATOR: Welcome to Essay Consultations, your key to literary success. Here is your professor.
DR PANGLOSS: Please tell me how you selected this topic.
OPERATOR: Please respond to your professor. You may say —
VOICE 1: I thought about what the guys at the gym might say.
OPERATOR: Or —
VOICE 2: I wanted to focus on the idea of uncertainty.
OPERATOR: Or —
STUDENT 1 RECORDED: I … uh … shit.
OPERATOR: Or say “Something else.”
— — -
FADE OUT.
Postscript: I love Millner’s idea of talking one-on-one with students, instead of writing comments in the margins of their essays. Friends who are instructors who were discussing his story on Facebook, however, point out that their student loads are much too large to make that feasible. Hence this (farcical) technological solution for them. And we’re going to see a new production of Candide later this year, so we’ve been prepping by reviewing old versions — inspirational indeed.
